His smile lights up the darkness of the days
He is as close to you as any brother
You are simply lost within his gaze
But he finds love in that of someone other.
There is something ‘bout that bond you share,
The smiles, the joy, the laughter and the tears.
That makes you feel like you’re floating on air
And when he’s near the whole world disappears.
But his heart longs for some more lucky girl
As you sit and wait for days on end
He is the reason you’re head’s in a whirl
Because he is nothing more than a friend
He never can know how you truly feel
But your dreams make up for what isn’t real.
The author does a great job picking a unique topic and carrying it out throughout the poem. The meter and rhyme scheme are both working. One suggestion is to change words like "tears" "smiles" and "joy" for concrete representations that are fresh.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this poem. The wording and the flow of the lines really makes you feel the sadness as you read it. Is there a reason you spaced the lines the way you did? Some of the lines do a great job of showing and now telling. For example, the first line "his smile lights up the darkness of days." But also, the line "when you're with him the world disappears" and "floating on air" are cliche and could use some work. Overall, great job!
ReplyDeleteThis is a really nice poem-both in how it sounds, in terms of the meter, and also in the content that is being conveyed. It is the kind of relationship that a lot of people can relate to. I particularly like the imagery and they way you describe getting lost in his gaze. The one line i would maybe try and tweet is the one with the abstract kind of terms-smiles, laughs, tears, joy: those terms are a bit vague, i would maybe try more specified terms. Really great job!!
ReplyDeleteThis poem was so nice to read. The story it tells is so true! The speaker did a great job at showing and telling specifically when she writes that “His smile lights up the darkness of days.” One thing that the speaker can change is replacing the abstract words with more concrete words (joy, bond)
ReplyDeleteThis poem was so nice to read. The story it tells is so true! The speaker did a great job at showing and telling specifically when she writes that “His smile lights up the darkness of days.” One thing that the speaker can change is replacing the abstract words with more concrete words (joy, bond)
ReplyDeleteThis poem was really awesome! I loved how it was about love because it is true what Professor Miller said that sonnets and the topic of love go together really well.
ReplyDeleteI think it was a nice read and it was probably because of the fact that the pentameter was used so well.
I think in the future, as we discussed in class, maybe just brush up and fix a few of the lines to make it a perfect pentameter.
I think also using some more concrete words instead of abstract words will also elevate your poem, which is difficult to do with a poem about love.
Overall awesome job!!!
We already went over this one in class, but I enjoyed reading this again. I look forward to reading your revision based on our class workshop. We can discuss it at our forthcoming meeting if you like.
ReplyDelete