Swaying left and right
As the branch releases them
leaves fall to the ground
Look up at the sky
White shiny ball blinding me
Squint and close one eye
A strong gust of wind
the cold air pinches my face
warm inside my coat
daisies rising up
poison ready to attack
it’s time for sneezing
I really like the contrast between the wind pinching the speakers face and her being warm inside her coat in the third poem, I think it works very well. In the last poem I appreciate the use of "ing" verbs to create extra syllables, but these two constructions take away from the immediacy of the poem and I would try to make the verbs more active and add in one syllable words to replace the "ing"s syllables
ReplyDeleteThe descriptive terms in each haiku make the season it is very clear to the readers in a simple, subtle way. I like how you don't state outright what certain things are- "poison" for pollen and "white shiny ball" for sun. I think these make the haikus all the more vivid. As previously stated above, I think you should take out the "ing" verbs as well. For example, "white daisies rise up" instead of "rising" or "oak sways left and right" instead of "swaying"- but these are just suggestions. Other than that, loved these haikus!
ReplyDeleteI love the last haiku! The speaker does a great job at "clashing." For example, when the daisies are rising up ready to attack, the only thing they do is make a person sneeze. I was anticipating a more extreme attack! As stated above, the poems would be more alluring if the verbs did not end in "ing". Otherwise great job!
ReplyDeletei love all the haiku's and I thing you did a great job bringing them all together.
ReplyDeleteOne aspect that I think was amazing was the fact that you were able to really incorporate the season so well, which is what I personally, unable to do.
Only thing I would say is just adding the twitter poem.
i love all the haiku's and I thing you did a great job bringing them all together.
ReplyDeleteOne aspect that I think was amazing was the fact that you were able to really incorporate the season so well, which is what I personally, unable to do.
Only thing I would say is just adding the twitter poem.
i love all the haiku's and I thing you did a great job bringing them all together.
ReplyDeleteOne aspect that I think was amazing was the fact that you were able to really incorporate the season so well, which is what I personally, unable to do.
Only thing I would say is just adding the twitter poem.
Excellent job with the flow of haikus-they are go really nicely together. I especially love the way you describe squinting at the winter sun. The last one was also a really cute and clever way to describe the oncoming allergies! I think last one would sound a bit nicer if you switch rising to present tense (rise), to me it sounds more poetic. Overall, great job-you totally captured some key winter moments!
ReplyDelete